The day before yesterday, id gone out for dinner, so i starved myself the whole day so that even if i eat extra something in dinner, it can make up for my breakfast and lunch….disordered habits dammit!
The fact is that from about two days, im feeling sad…i feel sad for stupid reasons all the time….ive tried hard to let go of the thoughts that make me sad, i overcome them, only to feel them once again….i dont why know why its always like this with me….i see my sister, and i wonder why i cant think like her and how come she dosnt feel the sadness…i then start hating everyone whose happy…i feel jealous of them…there is a popular saying that if you dont know anything, just google it…honestly, i cant remember how many times ive typed ‘how to feel happy’, ‘how to stop feeling ugly’, ‘how to stop negative thoughts and focus on the positive in life’ on that search engine…sometimes,somethings that the internet says helps me, but then again, the bad thoughts creep up on me and im my old self again….sometimes, i think i should consult a therapist or psycatrist or whatever these people are called that help you in dealing with all the crap stuff in your life and tell them my problem: i feel ugly all the time period.
the worst part is that ive got to keep all this inside, inside me…its really wierd how i dont (i cant, thats another story) let it all show on my face….it really is!…i wish i was on the inside what i show myself from the outside….
I wrote the following poem expressing what i feel…
Once again im in their grips
In the grips of these demons
Demons who id thought id broken free of
Seems now that i did not
They manifest themselves in the form of my thoughts
Scarring my heart and soul
And the pain they give can be compared to a needle’s prick
Yes they prick me up so hard
Night and day i remain in their grips
I know it will take a while
A while for me to get normal again
Normal though ill get again
Only to feel them once again….