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OF ME AND MY THOUGHTS

As a kid, no, not as a kid, as a teenager, i used to be often troubled by my thoughts….no, i still am troubled by them but ive kind of conquered them now (atleast i think that ive conquered them though they still have the power to press me against the wall at times) but as a teen  i was completely engulfed by them….now as i look back, i can see that my main problem was that  some of the most frustrating, confusing, irritating thougts i had, i thought that they were for real but the truth was, and is, that they simply are not…..
From as long as i remember, ive been at a conflict with my thoughts….always….i was always the one who used to overthink every. little. thing. I dont know why, but i did, though ive longed to stop this habit…..when i was 14-15-16 yrs old, that was the time when my thought process, my habit of overthinking was at its peak….i was always confused, always surrounded by ugly thoughts….you know what i wanted to be at that point in my life?….i wanted to be sad, very sad….crazy, wierd isnt it?…but thats how it was …..i even started writing a journal where i would abuse all of the people that were there in my life and the name of that journal was….i dont remember it right now because that time feels like another birth altogether….but yeah,  the name of that journal was ‘the sadness of my life’….
And, and, and the main part….the main part of all this was that i used to think quite often that  ‘why dont people get bored by their behaviour?’ And mind you,the behaviour that i was talking about was their natural behaviour….you know, all of us have a behaviour which is natural to us….we say the same things and act in the same way in certain situations all the time and its this behaviour of ours that is natural to us….well, i questioned this whole thing….i would say to myself, heyy, if you act like this for another day, then you’ll get bored….quick, change your behaviour…..and then i used to act differently the other day…..and i was exhausted by the end of it all….who was i fooling? Certainly, myself….but my brain at that time and sometimes even now refused to understand this….and, you know, once this thing started, it gave birth to some more thoughts and then some more and more…in the process, i lost my original identity….it took me more than two years to get hold of who i was, without getting bored with myself….it was crazy, i used to be someone else in the morning, someone else in the night….and my main mistake was that i thought that this was all for real!….i used to wake up in the morning, head dizzy with confusion regarding myself…..when i used to focus on other things, it used to temporarily go away, just to return afterwards with a bang….i thought of seeing myself to a psycologist but did not have the courage of saying what i was experiencing to someone….i was left alone to deal with my demons….i longed to become like other people, like my mother,like my father,like my sister, even the beggar on the street was not as confused as i was…..and to tell this to someone else was completely out of question….no one behaved as i did, why me?….i started observing other people….i told myself, heyy see other people, when they are so comfortable in themselves whats the problem with you?….surely, your not demented….thats when it all started to settle down….though if i be honest, there are still times when i feel out of place but it will be alright soon
Im not sure if the reader of this post will really get what im saying but thats alright…thanks for taking the time out to read…

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