this is something ive been struggling with for quite sometime now….i dont know why but i suffer from an intense inferiority complex:(…its like i compare every single girl to myself and then count my flaws….sometimes it gets so worse that i spend the whole day thinking that my hair are not as i want them to be, or im not beautiful enough etc.
the fact is i really really admire those people who have confidence in the way they look…i long for that confidence….i know beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder but i dont know why i just cant let go of these thoughts…. the principal thought that keep coming in my mind is that IM NOT BEAUTIFUL i soo often think that girls who are pretty are so damn lucky i wish i cud be one of them….god! i want to believe that beauty is not everything…its like im torn between these two sides of me, constatly struggling:(…i know it may seem like im a very self centered or self absorbed human being but thats not true either!….i just wanna let go of these thoughts and be happy with the way i look….it seems like i can never ever be at peace with myself or my thoughts
the other thing is my aloneness…..even though i have a twin whos like with me throughout the day but the fact still remains that I FEEL SO FUCKING DAMN ALONE SOMETIMES….ive always always had a problem with making friends…and its getting even worse!….to keep me company cuz i was so bored with myself i once ended up being registered in a chatting site where you make friends with strangers and i made friends with 2 guys….over time my friendship with them increased and soon one of them started demanding that i give my no to him and talk to him on phone rather than on this site….i was not ready for this and so i abruptly ended my contact with him….the other one fell in love with me and asked me if i cud meet him somewhere…i was not ready for this too so i ended my contact with him too….though i did bad to him i must admit that somewhere deep down inside me i too liked him…the day he proposed me i was so damn happy i kept re reading his messages on my phone….but i guess we were not meant to be…i still feel i did wrong to him….i wish there was a way i cud apologise to him….after these two kind of debacles i found out that this is not the medium for me to quench my thirst of not feeling alone….ive now signed out off every chatting site i was in….but im still alone….anyways….i hope everything will be alright someday…
this was a sad post… i hope ill write something happy in my next 😉
on a side note i got my nose pierced yesterday…;)